Monday, February 7, 2011

Another Cute Contest

This is a cool idea!  Click on the image to check out all of the first lines  and leave your comments.  Here is mine for "Simbiote":

“Kal, stay with me son.” A silhouette loomed in front of me, partially blocking the intense lights of the makeshift operating room.  

Prizes include a a free critique by renown agent Weronika Janczuk.  She is not taking submissions right now so this is a great chance to stretch out your feelers.


A.L. Sonnichsen said...

I like this a lot. Is it YA? I'm curious as to why they're in a makeshift operating room, so I'd keep reading for sure.

Should there be a comma before "son?" If it were me, I would add that to clarify the sentence. I also wonder -- is he lying down or sitting up? If he's lying down, you might want to say "a silhouette loomed over me..." (In my mind's eye, I saw an operating room with a kid lying on a table, so having someone *in front* of him made me curious if he was sitting up on the operating table ... I guess I'd have to keep reading to find out!)

Good luck with the contest! Great job!


Teralyn Rose Pilgrim said...

Since that's technically two sentences, you MIGHT get disqualified, which would be a tragedy! I think the second sentence is good. We can already assume the doctor wants the patient to stay with him, anyway.

Cheree said...

This is a good opening. You've introduced tension right from the beginning.

Shooting Stars Mag said...

oh, interesting. I like that it's a makeshift it a war story, something else? etc. I don't really have ideas on how to fix it to be honest. I'm intrigued.


SM Johnston said...

Technically that's two sentences =P

But looking at the speech in isolation first - it's a really strong opening. It's quite clear that Kal is in danger of losing his life. And to me those words will never be cliche.

Adding in the second sentence creares a great pull, why has is it a makeshift operating room. It makes me think of war or a natural diaster (we've just had flodding and cyclones in my state). I love it as is.

phyllis sweetwater said...

Thank you for all of the comments! Yes, this is YA you can get a taste of the first chapter under my "Simbiote" page. I could arrange it differently - what do you think of this:
“Kal, stay with me son.”The surgeon urged, his silhouette looming over me, partially blocking the intense lights of the makeshift operating room.

phyllis sweetwater said...

A.L. Sonnichsen - yes, I will put in a comma thanks!

Tanya Reimer said...

I like it. Intense.

Loralie Hall said...

A comment on the dialogue - if you're including both the name and the 'son' as exposition to the reader, it sounds unnatural. I would expect the person would either say "Stay with me, Kal." Or "Stay with me, son."

Other than that, I think it is a strong hook, even without the follow-up narrative. And if you wanted to include the narrative anyway, implement a dialogue tag"

"Stay with me, Kal," said the silhouette blocking the intense light of the makeshift operating room.

Also, why does Kel have the presence of mind to know he's in an operating room, but not who's talking to him? This is something we don't have to know now if it's answered soon.

Such an intriguing opener - I'd love to see more.

Dustin said...

I say lose the first sentence (dialog) and get right into it. The second sentence is great and holds up on its own.

nice work.

Critique Sisters said...

Your entry gave me the chills! I would definitely read more. Best of luck in the contest!

phyllis sweetwater said...

This isn't a war story. It is a blackmarket organ donor story.YA all the way.

Linda Gray said...

Late to the party, I'm sure you're entry's in, but want to let you know I love it. You could put either sentence first. You could put either one second, too!