Monday, November 28, 2011

Some bad/real news

So I've been made aware that blogging is hard on people's self esteem.  We read about all of the wonderful things our friends are doing, places they're going, book they're getting published and so on and so forth.  It makes us as the readers a tad jealous and we start to question our own abilities.  Why can't I take my family to Disneyland?  Why can't I make homemade wontons or perogies?  Why can't I get my book published?  For me it's why can't I have any more children?  I learn about my friends and family getting pregnant in what seems like no time at all, but Jay and I have gone through five years of miscarriages, adoption failures, fertility drugs and artificial insemination to no avail. Our last attempt at having more kids cost us over a thousand dollars, over 10 two hour trips to the specialist, some nasty discomfort and it failed.  We can't afford to do it again.  So I'm giving up on government intervention and medical procedures.  If Heavenly Father wants me to have another child, He will have to perform a miracle.  Maybe He will.
I wasn't going to post any of that because nobody likes to read bad news.  Or maybe, it would be comforting to see the down side of my life as well as the upside.  Maybe I've been misleading you all into thinking I had one of those awesome lives where nothing ever went wrong.  Now, you know that's not true.  I'm not telling you this to make you feel sorry for me (I don't feel sorry for myself, I have three great kids already).  I'm telling you so that you can see we all have inadequacies and nobody has a perfect life.  We try to hide our problems and put on a happy face because we are ashamed of our imperfections, but how can you have real friends if you never reveal you true self? So here it is, I don't know why I was hiding it, maybe because I didn't want to be a complainer, but since I'm at it, being a writer is hard, being a mother is hard, being a wife is hard.

There.  I'm glad I got that off my chest.

7 comments:

Danica Page said...

Thanks for sharing. Everybody goes through trials. You're right Heavenly Father has a plan for you and if you're meant to get pregnant you will. It can be hard to accept His plan at times, but he does have one.

Best of luck with all your endeavors!

Brinda said...

Blogging makes me feel like I have friends out there who are struggling with the same issues every day. It's nice to rejoice in the good news, but it's also nice to be there as a shoulder for the bad. I hope 2012 holds better news for you.

geschumann said...

I had tried to have a fourth also & after 3 miscarriages & other attempts, we gave up. At the time it was devastating for us, but for me mostly. It is now 10-12 years later & due to circumstances, I am very grateful to God for having control of my life & not granting my wish for another child. I know it's not easy now, but enjoy those wonderful kids God has blessed you with and take some time to greive over the loss of your dreams & attempt to make new ones. Gloria

Ishta Mercurio said...

If it is meant to happen, it will. And if it isn't meant to happen, then it is because other doors are opening for you. Big hugs.

angelhorn.com said...

Thank you for sharing this. This is actually a great, sort of backward lesson in perspective. I have one child, I don't want any more. Part of me reacted to your post with "good grief, she has three kids, what's she complaining about?". But then I remembered we can never really know another person's heart and sorrow. We beat ourselves up in the New World because we think we don't really suffer, not the way people in the developing world do. But who is to say what our suffering is? This is bigger than just being grateful for what you have. I don't really know how to put this in words, but I just want you to know, I get it.

phyllis sweetwater said...

thank you everyone for your comments. it's true, we can never really know what another person is going through, but we can help and your comments have done just that for me.

Claire Hennessy said...

Thank you for sharing and your honesty. It was very brave of you. At some point all of us are envious of another, but that is always a good moment to be grateful for what we DO have. Sounds like you have come to terms with your disappointment in a very graceful way. Congrats on the Big World Network articles too.