Poetry Crits

last week or when ever it was I promised a free critique for anyone who submitted a poem.  I only got two.  With permission from the authors I would like to post their work with my comments added.  Maybe it will inspire you to prepare for the next time I dish out free critiques!

Poem by April

Even in my dreams
Where life is new and strange
My children are carried with me
like dew drop crystals in my hair
prickling in the cells beneath my skin
Even absent they are present
always have been
I just didn't know them yet confuses tense you could say “back then” or “before”
so I was unaware
I'll always be expecting them nearby
even in my dreams they
are just over my shoulder somewhere

just beyond where I can see you could repeat this line here.
And that is what prickles don’t double up on verbs.  Use a synonym now
Someone's missing
waiting to begin
a life with me as mother
us all as family
I can almost see
his face but it's 
hiding shining in my hair
just beyond where I can see
Is this it? We just reached the interesting, integral idea, I want more! Good line breaks, good imagery, thanks for sharing!

Poem by Antje

 

Now I know 
How the stars glow
And how the earth is laughing bright 
When in the summer's night 
The clouds disappear
You are here.
you start out with rhymning couplets in the first stanza, but then you break the pattern. Add extra lines or whatever to stick with couplets.
What can happen to me yet? What can?
I do not even fear move to second last line.
The final hour and the pain
To never see you again.
You will forever stay here.

I know exactly I will feel the pain but you said you don’t fear because it would never happen?Then I feel  try not to double verbs, especially when the second “feeling” is in contradiction with the first your eyes 
Resting on me 
And as so often dois the surprise
My heart seduced to a cheer
You are here. this is nice.  Don’t let the rhymn limit your wording.  Your unique description in stanza 1 is great, but I would like more later on.  I want to see the contrast in the pain; laughing earth, stars glow – rain, blackened sky etc.

Great concepts, I hope to see more!

I hope you agreed with most of my suggestions.  

So who's up for round two?

What are you reading?

http://www.normandoidge.com/normandoidge/MAIN.html This meme is hosted by Book Journey.
Well, I just finished the most amazing book I've read since,,, well a while.  It is "The Brain that Changes Itself" by Norman Doidge and it's NON-FICTION. I have always enjoyed learning about our brains, but this goes WAY beyond what I ever fathomed possible.  It is a series of true stories of people who have overcomes impossible odds - strokes, amputations, and one woman who was born with half a brain and how she functions let alone, survives.  I give it FIVE stars.  Doidge explains brain growth, addictions, our senses, and some other freaky things that are fascinating.  I'm not a scientist, or profess in any way to understand a lot of it, but as a human being with a brain I am truly enlightened.